What is this handbasket we’re in, and where is it going?

Happiness is…

Scientists with nothing better to do, after 17 years of painstaking statistics gathering and research, have finally pinpointed the happiest country on Earth. I know what you’re thinking, but you’d be wrong – it is not Kiribati. No, no, the happiest country on the planet also happens to be the most rotten in literary history. I’m of course referring the great state of Denmark.

As a person who can theoretically claim a hefty portion of my ancestry to be of Danish descent, this is welcome news. I’m typically a happy person, and now I know why.

What scientists are really struggling with, and this may be more in the realm of philosophy, is why Denmark is so damn happy. One particular scientist proposed the theory that blondes have more fun, then was shot down by his own statistical analysis that showed that Sweden is a more blonde, yet less happy society. Which makes sense, they’re overrun with blondes.

You could probably go on and on all day proposing elaborate theories as to why a Dane is a happier chap than a Kenyan. However, the real answer is the same answer to most of life’s riddles – liquor. Back in 2003, Denmark passed a tax cut on hard liquor. Immediately after this cut, liquor consumption tripled. The old saying goes that candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker – no wonder they’re so bloody happy.

The watered down, less controversial reason we’re being given is that the Danish seems to have more “modest” expectations of life. I think it has something to do with how akvavit stomps out delusions of grandeur like nobody’s business.

America ranked 16th in the race to be the world’s happiest country. Not bad. But certainly not Danish. Which is why I’m calling upon our government to do the right thing here. Make liquor more accessible and cheaper for all. You only get one shot at happiness, our country should help us to reach it – if not through job security and health care, then through cheap booze. I’ll drink to that.


July 1, 2008 - Posted by | All the news that's fit to hear, My twisted interpretation of science

1 Comment »

  1. I read a while back, last year I’m sure, that Iceland was the happiest nation. Where did they rank this year?

    Comment by Jess | July 1, 2008 | Reply

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